Old Fangs is back! And not the scary Bela Lugosi version. Check him out in Chapter Twenty-Seven of "Things that go bump in the Night," a new Sherlock Holmes Baker Street Adventure novel.
"Things that go bump in the Night"
by John Pirillo
"I don't get it, Redeye. Why must you make it a point to flirt with everything that wears a skirt, including men!"
Chittles glared at his friend as the Tesla cab hummed away from the curb, after depositing them in front of their gated home.
"I do not flirt with men." Redeye fumed. "Least not ones that I know are men. Besides what have you got against the same sex?"
"Not me, that's for sure." Chittles blared with laughter.
"You're such a crass commoner sometimes. I'm sure our friends who have a preference for the same sex would love to see you hung by your thumbs when you talk like that."
"Let them try!" Chittles said with a grin.
"And you're too serious!" Chittles retorted.
Redeye deflated. "I never know when to take you seriously."
"How about most of the time...not. And the rest of the time...perhaps."
Redeye glanced at Chittles with a worried look. Chittles scrunched his thick shoulders together in his usual shrug and continued up the walkway to their mansion. Rather, Redeye's mansion. Lord Frederick the Third as he was known among his peers, of whom he scarcely intermingled these days because of the continued need for his and Chittles' services.
"I'm concerned that we might be approaching this problem the wrong way."
"What does that have to do with my base nature?"
"It has given me thought as to what we might be missing in this case that Watson and Holmes are chasing."
"I think the hole in the case is big enough to drive the Queen's carriage through it and that's huge!" Chittles said.
"You underestimate, Holmes." Redeye acccused.
"He's only human." Chittles snapped back. "He has to go to the bathroom just like the rest of us!"
"Sometimes I wonder why I put up with you."
Chittles pinches Redeye on his bottom. "Because I'm so cute and lovable, darling. That's why."
"You are so impossible!"
Both men dropped their attempt at communication.
Chittles fiddled with the front door a moment, then stepped back when it opened on its own.
"I thought you locked it." Redeye inquired.
Chittles withdrew his service revolver the same time as Redeye slid his snub nose revolver into his right hand and covered him. They did the usual approach. Chittles would slam open the door and dodge to the right and he would come in behind him, blasting. Of course he would be diving low as he did so to present as small a target as possible.
It usually worked, though one case had caught both him and Chittles offguard and both had been nearly chopped in half by a floor level blade that had swung at them, nearly clipping the ankles from Chittles and the lower half of his body from Redeye.
Chittles kicked open the door the rest of the way and dashed inside, not to the right, but the left. Redeye shrugged and dove to the floor. He slid across it to stop before the highly polished shoes of the man standing there. Or rather the vampire.
"Really! You two never cease to amaze me." Count Dracula purred as he leaned against a piece of furniture, casually looking at his rumpled friends on the floor and the side wall.
Chittles grunted, went back to the door, then saw the note attached to it. He plucked it off, then read it. "Oh."
Redeye got to his feet and brushed off the plush red velvet jacket and pants he wore. He never wore anything that didn't have red in it at the minimum and usually went for all red...blood red if possible. Of course finding such outfits was rare and he usually had to have them tailor made, which cost a fortune. Even though quite wealthy, he preferred to give money to the poor, rather than wasting it on clothing.
Chittles was the one who always reminded him that he had to give himself some kind of allowance for the services he provided the country and their clients.
Redeye sat down on the nearest chair and crossed one long leg over the other. You'd never know he had just skidded ten feet across a hardwood floor a moment ago by the casualness of his posture. "So. What's new?"
"Yeah., Fangs! Except for breaking and entering!" Chittles barked out, settling opposite his partner.
Count Dracula sighed, then sat down opposite them on the blood red divan ensconced there. "Sure you wouldn't like to sell this, Lord Frederick?"
"Redeye...Please! And no."
"Ah yes. You like that moniker a great deal I hear." Count Dracula said, nodding as he did so, showing a flash of his fangs for a moment.
"You should know." Redeye said to him, his eyes filled with a kind of fury. "Since you're the one who stuck that damned tag on me in the first place!"
Redeye gave him a scathing glance and he pretended to find his fingernails suddenly quite interesting as he reached them up to examine them.
"Ah. Yes, and then there's that."
"What are you here for?"
Count Dracula reached beneath his flowing cape and pulled out a map. "After our meeting last night I began to think about people I had been meeting over the last several months. One in particular, actually."
Dracula leaned closer, revealing both fangs quite prominently. "Because I think this one is involved."
Chittles looked over at the teeth. "Do you ever brush?"
Dracula snarled at him. "Do you ever shut up?"
Chittles shrugged and looked down at his fingernails again, but not before his grin was lost to veiw. These two had an unwritten vow to make the lives of each other miserable. Ever since Chittles had charmed away a lass that Dracula had been courting. He had been offended that someone so seemingly crass as Chittles appeared to be...at least on the surface...that he had made it a point of honor to make the man's life as miserable as possible, short of making him an eternal creature of the night...an unimaginable thing as he knew Chittles would never leave him alone then. And he wanted to live at least a few decades without the man's insufferable crassness.
"Yeah and I love you too." Chittles said, getting up to leave. "Anyone like something to drink. Oh right..." He turned to smile at Dracula, his mischievous smile back. "You don't drink...wine."
Chittles left the room, laughing like a lion might roar, leaving Dracula shaking with anger.
"Oh come on, Count, you know he loves you like a brother." Redeye teased.
"Thank God I have none such." Dracula retorted, relaxing a bit.
"Now." Redeye said, leaning forward. "Tell me more about this person you said was of interest."